The evesdropper

4 men were sitting in their 4 person cube at their workplace.  They were all scotch whisky enthusiasts and were discussing what they had to drink last night.  One said “I had a great 18 year old last night!”  The next one said “oh yes I enjoyed a fine 21 year old last evening, really superb!”  The third man said “I was lucky enough to have a 25 year old yesterday, outstanding!”  The fourth man said “I am really jealous of you guys all I could find last night was a 12 year old.”  Whereupon the young woman who had been listening to all this in the next cube rushed in and threw her coffee at the 4^th man and shouted “You are despicable!  You horrible man how could you abuse a 12 year old girl???”  One of the men shouted, ”Hey calm down we are talking about scotch not women!”  To wit the young woman beat a hasty red-faced retreat.  The moral is use caution when eavesdropping you may not hear what you think you hear.

An Englishman, a Scot, and an Irishman went into a pub and each ordered a pint of Guinness.
Three flies flew in the door and one landed in each of the full pints.  The Englishman said "That's disgusting" and turned and walked out the door.  The Scot said Ack!! , grabbed the fly, tossed it on the floor and downed the pint.  The Irishman grabbed the fly and squeezed it hard saying "spit it out ya bastard, spit it out!"

Three Ministers

Three clergy men from our town had tried for years to get Bob to quit drinking.  Finally Bob took the pledge and stopped drinking.  To celebrate his mighty achievement, Bob invited the three clergy men to his home for dinner a week from Friday.  As the day drew near, Bob was hurting badly for a drink but he didn’t want to disappoint the clergy men and was beside himself on what to do. 

Finally he came up with an idea.  He would serve watermelon for desert at the dinner and before his guests arrive he would inject the melon with two quarts of 100 proof vodka.  The day for the big dinner arrived and the melon was appropriately “basted.”  The clergy men arrived and enjoyed a nice dinner with Bob.

 At the end of the meal Bob served up the watermelon to the clergy men.   Minister #1 ate two slices of the vodka infused melon and raved how good it was.  Minister #2 ate three slices of the boozy melon and told Bob he had never had a finer meal in his life.  Minister #3 just smiled and kept sneaking watermelon seeds into his pockets. 

Nice Try

The local minister had tried for some time to get a church member to give up drinking and smoking.  The minister did his homework and thought he finally had the answer.  He would approach the church member with logic and the financial angle to get him to quit smoking and drinking.  That evening he met the man at his home.

 “Hello Bob!” “Hello reverend.” “Bob, I wanted to try one more time to help you to end your destructive ways.  Bob, how many packs of cigarettes do you smoke a day?”  “Oh about 3.” Replied Bob.  “Ok and how much alcohol do you drink a day?”  “Oh about 8 beers and a fifth of whisky reverend.” 

“Well Bob I did some calculations and did you know that if you took all that money you spend on cigarettes and booze every day and saved that money instead, why you could be driving a fancy new car and live and a fine mansion out on the upper West side of town!”

“Well reverend, do you smoke?”  “No Bob I don’t.”  “Ok then reverend do you drink alcohol?”  “No Bob, I never have.”  “Well then reverend, where is your fancy new car and your mansion?”